WAITING OUT ROMANCE

I spent a lot of time lately "tooting my own horn" so to speak. I sure had a lot of road behind me despite being unable to remember any of the places I had been. I just knew that I had been. Now, I had exhausted my possibilities and felt my life going nowhere. My kids were all here. The home I was in would be my home for a while still, and I had been married and settled a long time now. In truth, I may have been settled too long. I still loved him, there’s no doubt of that, it was simply the lack of a romantic life was beginning to eat away at the parts of me that didn’t doubt our relationship. The bigger problem was that it was demeaning to tell my husband that I needed romance or even wanted it. Romance was something that existed only in movies. In real life, people don’t get swept off their feet. Men don’t send flowers out of the blue or show up at work just to take her out. In real life, there is no element of surprise. There is only the monotony of expectations, schedules, and a lack of spontaneity. It hadn’t bothered me before. This was something that had begun eating away at me when I noticed the complete lack of romance. I was a living breathing woman who favored surprises, special things, and impulsive gifts. My husband, was a man who didn’t think I needed those things anymore. We had retired to a couple who bought things when they wanted them or you just didn’t get anything. I was feeling forgotten and grossly underappreciated. Mostly, I was just beginning to think that this is as good as it gets and this was unbearable. I felt a part of me die. As if someone came up to me and announced that dreams are for children! Wake up! Romance is something that you dream about when you’re too young to know that it doesn’t exist. Despite whatever I had convinced myself, I couldn’t help wondering, wasn’t he romantic once in our lives? What happened? Romance is the best way to say to the woman you love, "I love you. I appreciate you. You are special." That is what romance was. That is why I needed it. I felt like it had been four years since I had anyone tell me "that I was special. You are loved." But it wasn’t just said. It was shown. And I needed that. I needed to be reminded that I wasn’t just a wife anymore. I was something a little more than that. The hard part wasn’t coming to realize this, it was convincing a man that this was important to me. As important as our marriage vows. As important as our children. I needed to feel special and a minute hug wasn’t going to cut it. I needed surprise. Spontaneity. Something I didn’t expect. Something I couldn’t see coming. I needed to feel like I was still the only dog in his kennel.